Resilience

Occasionally a gray, rainy day such as this one is comforting.  It puts us in a mood to cuddle up on the couch and watch some TV, sip on a hot drink and take the opportunity to just retreat from the busyness of our typical tasks.  The damp and dreary weather somehow convinces us to take a much-needed rest. Yet this change in weather goes largely unnoticed by others.

There are those among us that are sitting or reclining in a hospital room unaware of the change in weather.  Their days are not differentiated by the changing climes.  Their days are timed by the routine of nurses checking their IVs, measuring pulse, blood pressures and temperatures.  It’s not the sun nor rain the keeps the beat of the day, it’s the pain and other symptoms of the disease that provide the meter of life.

It’s hard to describe the hospital stay, the monotony interrupted by frustration that accompanies the chronically ill.  There is a lot of waiting around.  Waiting for doctors to come to discuss the latest results and observations. Waiting for the next meal to arrive. Waiting for the nurse to get to the room.  Sure, you understand the staff is usually completely overworked, and you try to be patient.  Which is kind of funny… you need to be a patient patient.  You hopefully have someone with you, most likely your overwhelmed significant other, to help you remember what questions you wanted to ask of whichever specialist comes to the room. In between these visits you turn the channel and look for a better show; maybe Deadliest Catch is on, or Alaskan Bush People.  You look for the interesting and the bizarre and those two shows fit the bill to help distract you from the reality of being in the hospital.

If you’re really fortunate you might get a visitor or two.  That often depends on how far from home you had to go to receive the care you need.  The further from home you are, the less likely you’ll have a stream of friends and family to distract you from the sameness of the four walls and staff.  Those visits are fantastic, even if you doze off while talking.  Your friends and family will usually understand, and hey, sometimes just the knowledge of additional people around is enough to help you relax just enough to close your eyes.

It’s those distractions that keep us sane, or at least helps us to know we’re not alone. The additional bonus is that there’s someone that can provide relief for the husband or wife.  It’s the husband or wife that deals with the frustration, anger and fear more than anyone else.  It’s the significant other that can tell just how we’re feeling, because sometimes we don’t even fully know ourselves.

Most don’t understand the mental strain that goes on during the acute phases in the hospital.  When surgery or other aspects of your disease progression put you in the position to rely on help for basic bodily functions you end up checking your pride at the door. It’s a tough pill to swallow, much harder than the so called “horse pill” you’re asked to down.  Only your most intimate partner in life is supposed to see you in all your natural splendor, so when the young nurse is now there to help you – well let’s just admit there’s some apprehension for a minute or two.  That’s not the only mental strain though.

If you are dying or think you might be, there are thoughts that you battle and a dark humor often becomes evident.  You start thinking about what life is going to be like for your wife (husband or other) when you’re gone.  You might even tell her who she’s going to fall for next.  That intelligent, talented distant friend of yours might just be ‘the one’ for her.  Of course your wife then says “who.. Bill,, oh please, no way!”  To which you silently think, “yeah, that’s what she says now.” 

 Then the Alaskan Bush people comes back on and pulls you out of the momentary realization that life in this realm is not forever – whether you recover or not, you’ll be changed in ways that not everyone can fully understand.  Not everyone has had the reason to pray “God, not matter what happens to me, please take care of my family.” If like me you wake from that prayer with more time to explore this magical world, there will be moments when you have to stop and slow down.  You look at your wife a little more closely, you want to see your colleagues succeed, you look at the flowers and bees deliberately.  Please understand I say there are these moments, because if you are fortunate to recover there is the fall to complacency where you again take things for granted.

The diagnosis of a friend or family member with prognoses that are difficult cause you to pause and ponder life and circumstances again.  Again, you are reminded that life isn’t fair and bad things happen to good people. Maybe it’s better to simply say it like it is.. “shit happens.”

I would never say there’s a silver lining, or that something good came out of something tragic.  I can, however, see how strong the human spirit can be.  I bear witness to the remarkable resilience of the human body and the compassion of those that provide caring – whether that’s in a professional capacity or personal.

Today, as I sit here on my couch, safe from the rain, wind and clouds I am thinking of my cousin and his incredible wife.  I know the monotony and frustration you feel while waiting in a small hospital room and I pray you’re home as soon as safely possible. And let me say again that I’ve never seen any stronger than the two of you as you fight on together.

I know too, that there are countless others, maybe some reading this post, that are going through your own torment. I’ll be praying for you all as well, God will know your plight.  If you would like, send me a message, I’d be glad to listen and pray specifically for you.

Prayers and Blessings to you all.

Brian

Perspective

One of my favorite shows right now is Elementary. It’s a new twist on on Sherlock Holmes, in this case set in current day and in New York City.  Watson and Moriarty are both female, yet the story largely remains the same. It’s about the power of observation and deduction. It, for me, highlights just how much of what happens around us goes unnoticed. My observation is this applies to each of us, and at times has as much to do with the routine of life.

We run in the same circles from day to day.  Once out of the school systems and firmly in the work place our circle of friends and experiences remain quite numbly predictable.  Our thought patterns often fall in to similar routines.  We think about the next meal, but it’s probably been eaten before. We drive to work, likely along the same route. We talk with the same friends and catch up on the same shows, or same sports that we spoke about the last time we met.  I know this is an exaggeration, but I would bet there’s a hint of truth that you recognize.

What if we tried to recognize the differences and think about what that implies.  I have some recent examples to ponder.  First, though, it’s instructive to understand what is ordinary to me. I’m an aging white male in my mid 50’s.  Yikes, I’m getting old, but I digress already.  I’m an engineer with a pretty decent job.  My beautiful wife is also an engineer, though smarter and more ambitious than I, and paid well too.  I  only say this as a back drop to not having to worry about our budget too much.  Yes we worry about it, but it’s not a paycheck to paycheck worry. With that out of the way, let’s move on to some detective work – observations.

We had a manager’s car wash at work.  For 10 bucks you can have your car washed and have two slices of pizza and a drink.  We washed some nice cars and a few were owned by the most junior of folks in the workforce.  These young professionals are my colleagues, and I’m happy they’ve gotten off to a good start in their careers.  I had to stop and wonder why it is that my ride is a Subaru when they choose the BMW and Lexus, but hey whatever – good for them.

I had my hair cut today and I chose a stylist that I’ve had before. She is a young lady who is recently married. She’s probably in her early to mid twenties, about the same age as my young colleagues. We had a nice conversation and she made the comment, only half kidding I’d say, that she’d consider herself successful if she didn’t worry about the extra cost of having the guacamole added to her Chipotle meal.  She’s a unique gem, with some awesome streaks of bright purple in her hair and a tattoo of a heart on her chest. This is not a sappy valentines outline heart, this is an anatomically correct heart.  She has others on her arms and shoulders.  She reminds me of another dear young friend who too is a hair stylist.  She’s very intriguing, and at first you might think she’s very “edgy.”  Yet within minutes of a conversation you will quickly realize that she’s tender.  She’s willing to drive over an hour each way to visit an ailing grandmother, and do it multiple days in a row.  You might come to know that she has a deep love of animals and a wide variety of musical interests.  She’s actually much more like you than you might have first thought, and after thinking a little more you realize that the conversations she has with her clients are more open and genuine that others you have had cut your hair.  There was no small talk about the weather, or the Nats or Skins.  It was more open and welcoming.

It strikes me that the worlds of the young engineering crowd and that of the stylist probably only intersect intermittently.  It strikes me that my stylist may from time to time actually be concerned with the cost of the extra green stuff on the burrito while my young colleague drives a BMW.  The common theme though is they both stand out.  One for the artistic flair shown on her skin and hair the other for the rolling artwork driven to and fro.

It kind of saddens me that I don’t get to hang out with these folks on a routine basis. They view the world differently than many of my other friends, and I appreciate that.

There was also a recent birthday party of a friend and a number of us met for dinner at an Indian restaurant. Well, actually, we were in the adjoining “tap house” for some food and Karaoke. One of the young guys in the group really wanted to try some Indian cuisine cause he hadn’t tried any before.  How great is that! I’ll admit that I’m not much of a connoisseur of Indian food either, but how much fuller would life be if we tried to live outside of our self imposed boxes? The owner of the establishment told us that there really wasn’t authentic Indian food in the Tap House, but more of a cross between typical ‘bar food’ with an Indian flair.  There were some Naan Pizzas for example and some chicken kabobs with a more traditional seasoning.  I thought it was great, though certainly not quite a full Indian meal which was available in the adjoining restaurant. The bottom line though was that I saw someone take an opportunity to try something new and the joy of the new experience showed on his face.  I wish I had more chances to witness this kind of gladness.

As mind my wanders to a close of this trail of haphazard thoughts, I wonder what life might be like if we all took the time to have a random conversation with someone we didn’t know.  What might we learn about their successes, their struggles, what they care about.  My sense is that we all would recognize we have far, far more in common that we at first realize.  My stylish stylist and the young colleagues in the engineering profession are far more alike than they know, and we could all learn something from each other, I just am not sure how that can happen.  I realize too that the challenges are different, and there are those among us that live paycheck to paycheck through no fault of their own and that bothers me.  You shouldn’t have to put off having dental work done due to the cost and inability to have adequate insurance.  Again, I don’t have an answer to the dilemma, but it bugs me more lately.

Those of you that have read my SolomonsSeen blog will already know that I like to slow down at times and really look for the beauty that lies right in front of us.  The beauty that goes unnoticed simply because we don’t observe it.  We need not be detectives like Sherlock and Watson to uncover these sights.  They’re in front of us every day.  So are so many wonderful people with beauty and talents, hopes and dreams, and similarities to each of us.  When will be slow down, an then take a step in courage to really know and be open to being known? 

Perhaps it's better asked of ourselves:

When am I going to slow down and step out in courage and faith to learn from someone and be open to being known?

Pelicans

The western side of the Chesapeake Bay is a few minutes from my office, and a drive along it's shores is the perfect way to unwind from a crappy day.  There's always something to see, a breeze to feel and the specific aroma of the bay.  Today didn't disappoint.

 Driving along the familiar stretch of pavement, I approached the pier that juts off-shore some 50 to 75 feet.  Designed for fisherman, the portion from shore ends and goes both north and south.  It's common for gulls and terns to be perched there, and they are not often bother by human visitors. There are seldom people fishing here. Among the few usual birds there were three large shapes, so I quickly pulled over.

Fortunately, my near skidding approach didn't cause any alarm and all the birds remained perched. This included three pelicans! They were the large shapes I saw.  It's only the second time in as long as I can remember seeing Pelicans there! In fact, it's the only place I've seen them in this area of southern Maryland.  Next it was time to see if I could pull out my camera and get set up before they bolted.




After reaching in the back seat, getting my camera and changing to a larger lens I looked up to see two remained.  By the time I got out of the truck and retrieved my tripod and set the camera upon it, there was still on left!  I can't explain why by he (she?) gave a big stretch of his head extending the big floppy skin below its bill, it's called the gular pouch and holds fish that it catches before swallowing them whole.

zoomed in to see his gular pouch

Then a gull flying around decided to land next to him which caused the terns to take flight.  The chaos was enough for the Pelican and he flew down to the calmer water below.  Since he was still close I walked up the pier to watch a little longer.

 The second Pelican was nearby, and finally the third made his presence know. It was some distance away, flying low when it suddenly dove into the bay, but came up empty.  It took off in a rather awkward mix of flapping and running on the water and tried a second time.  It came up empty yet again.  At this point it continuing flying down the shoreline till I lost track of him.

The different positions of the wings while in flight give a different feel to the scene. While in the upward extension it looks slightly move graceful. Below the sharp bend in the wing while moving back up makes me think he's in attack mode.

Zoomed in above, pretty clearly a Brown Pelican, which I read is still an endangered species though it may be improving.

Parting shot on his way down the beach, I like that you can barely pick up his shadow in the water.



The short time I spent watching and photographing really helped my mood.  I hope you get a sense of the scene that unfolded, and that you too take a minute to see the beauty around us.

Blessings,

Brian F>

Rued Change?

Solomons UMC welcomed a new pastor today.  Pastor Dottie shared her story of change from an accomplished marine biologist working at the Smithsonian to becoming a reverend.. and wife too for that matter.  As she nears her 10 year anniversary, she begins her first assignment as a full elder in the United Methodist Church. Change it seems can come in an instant – in the time it takes to say “yes” to a new idea.  In Dottie’s case that meant saying “yes” to seminary.  Change can take time as well, as in the 10 years to see that initial response come to fruition in front of her first congregation.

Change must be the theme today.  Deb and I watched two movies on this cloudy afternoon. The first, Larry Crowne, starred Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in an offbeat romantic comedy. Tom is cut from his job in a down-sizing maneuver and forced to reconsider life. He goes to college for the first time ever as a middle aged man where he meets a college English professor who is going through her own turmoil. A change in job status, with accompanying loss of income for him.  A change in marital status leaving her wondering what’s next. Change in this movie is shown to be both forced on us, and led by us as well.

The next movie The Little Game about a young gifted student learns about life and chess from a quirky instructor. In order to send their little girl to a private school with better opportunities the parents struggle with finaces. The mother has to work more shifts and isn’t around. Her grandmother dies and she’s left questioning how much time is left on this earth and where she’ll be in 4 billion years. Change in schools and in friends leaves her searching for some constancy.   What is here today is not guaranteed to be here tomorrow, and she learns this from those around her, those loving her.

Time stands still for no one as the adage goes. As the sands of the hour glass drop one by one, nearly imperceptibly, the seconds add up and the years fade at rates that seem faster than possible.  Christopher is now married, the house a bit emptier and slightly quieter yet definitively more empty. Time passes. Change is inevitable.

The message this morning and the movies this afternoon remind us that we need to be deliberate about living life and not letting life move on with us as mere passengers. More than that, the films and sermon bring to the forefront the need to live with love and grace.  Families, friends, loves, community, these are the reasons life is worth living whether in prosperity or struggle, it is love that carries us and up lifts.

Thinking about all of this, pondering my own position on this chess board called life, I’m grateful for so many things. My family both near and far, friends and acquaintances that emanate life and love. The local southern Maryland summer swim league is an amazing collection of families. So much support for each other, and so many smiles. Additionally, a party yesterday for a beautiful 15 year old we know was full of fun, friends and food.  There were games, music and dancing (well by at least a good number of the bunch.) And Christopher and Laurens wedding last weekend was a blast. Again, fun, family, food, conversation, love, music, dancing.  I’ll add art as well, for all of these events showcase the beauty of this world if we just slow down enough to see it.

I was just about to edit this essay and ready it for posting when I saw a video that Deborah shared on her FaceBook page. The change theme continues, maybe tangentially. This video dares us to live into the dreams inside us. In our limited time here on this uni-verse, will we influence our own changes such that we live to the end of our days and be able to say we have no regrets. Did we dare to live passionately, did we have the passion to dare to live – really live?  Or will we rue our decisions in our last breath. Take the time to watch the  video

Change happens with us, without us, despite us, and sometimes it feels like it in spite of us. Some feels good, some feels bad. As I stare out the window to the grey skies, I hope to remember to slow down, take a breath, create some art, listen to some music, enjoy a relaxed paced meal with friends and good conversation. I pray to embrace the change, welcome new adventure and do my best to love well.

Love Fights

Love is patient. Love is kind……  many of us know the passage so oft used at a wedding.

Yet love is that word that means so many things to so many people. It’s that feeling of butterflys in your gut brought on simply by seeing your special partner.  Love is shown in tender moments and time spent together hand in hand.  Love is that passion you can’t ignore when that special person is by your side.

Love is lots of things. Love is what continues after the honeymoon period described above is over. Love is the series of unending compromises, surprises, acts of service, words of encouragement and a hug when needed most. Love is standing by through the illnesses, crisis and tragedies that befall everyone.

Love is also tough and feisty. Love is the willingness to continue to pursue your partner long after the initial infatuation wears off. Love remains and love fights to continue.  Love is the jab that says “I need to be first.” Translated into other terms – “I can’t let you drift away, you mean too much to me to let that happen.”  Love is the right hook that sets boundaries which are established to make each other feel safe.

A vase of flowers, so meaningful and special on their arrival, wither and drop their leaves. Love, I’m finding, can fall like petals too, unless you’re willing to fight for it. Love is worth the fight. Take the jab, through the hook, not in the aim of hurting, rather in the goal to keep the love.

Love is worth the good fight.

On the Edge

I'm not really sure how to introduce this piece. The most honest preface is that I've been pretty stressed lately. The details of that stress aren't the focus here, just the result.

Sadly, my self-control needs some work, some strengthening. It's most noticeable when incomprehensible policy collide with automated phone systems followed by uninteligile clerks that simply recite their scripts. Simply put ...  I loose it.

They say confession is good for the soul... here's mine

On the edge, the precipice

The risk imperceptible, the adrenaline calls

Push norms aside, it’s time to fight

 The feeling isn’t noticeable, the quick change from Jekyll to Hyde

Mild mannered, sarcasm turns to spiteful raging venom

Restraint a distant memory

Vile words spewed with malice

Feel my wrath you wretched minion,

You worthless imbecile

You who hide behind policy, behind the telephone line

Should I care that you are a peon, a pawn.

Not in this state, not this time

You are the enemy, the one standing in my way

 The crash from monster to man nearly as sudden

The fall painful, the mirror reveals the ugliness

The heart constricted, defeated…  for a time

Reflection giving way to resignation

 

Deep breaths, fast but slowing

Dark thoughts eased and fading

Self-control, the star stands silent,

Watching, mocking

Slow breaths

Time for prayer

Forgiveness sought

 Peace elusive

Sacred Love

A Humans of New York (HONY) post the other day captured the words of a widower. Married for over 60 years he told of how he misses his wife, his love. The gentleman talked about how love is ill defined and that even Shakespeare could not adequately capture the meaning of love in his sonnets. This wise soul spoke of how he misses sharing his meals with his wife. How much he misses getting into bed at the same time she did. That over the years he grew to appreciate that love is not just the physical attraction two people feel.

Love, it is said, is a set of actions that collectively show the depth of feeling, compassion and sacrifice for another. Love is many things to many people, and something longed for by all.  To love takes courage, to be loved for all of who you are- warts, flaws and beauty alike – means you bare your soul and stand ready to be disappointed in the response. It means you risk it all. You risk rejection and apathy, hurt and heartache. There is nothing finer than when the love is mutual and nurturing, and nothing more destructive when shattered by betrayal.

There are times when we love well, and times when we don’t. We know it, though I’m not sure we like to own up to that. There are times too when we don’t have much at all left to give, and there’s nothing more on our heart than to be loved well. We long for that caring gesture, the kind word, support, a tender touch, the perfectly timed intimate moment – both physical and emotional.

Love is a dance, a step at a time, leading and following, giving and receiving. Love has a rhythm and pace set by the two partners. The supporting verses and climax woven in the context of the lives lived with the responsibilities and demands of each partner. The tempo changes, the volume swells and fades at times, yet love is the whole of the dance, not just the peaks.

In life the dance of love may be started and stopped for any number of reasons. The search for that next dance, that next partner once again pits us against the silence and shadows. Courage and faith tested yet again when the previous song has ended or was cut short.

Love is there though, of that I am confident. I’m not sure I can fully explain why I believe that other than by my experience. It is there to be found, and cherished.

My prayer is that we all find that sacred bond.