Faith, Doubt, Fear and Hope with a dose of honesty

Can we be honest?  I mean really honest.  Honest in places where certain attitudes are virtually expected.  Can we be honest in church?

Church is the place we go to gather strength from those that have faith. Right?  Isn't it the place where most everyone puts on their best smile and embraces their neighbor.   It's the place we know everyone has it together.  All good Christians have perfect lives of plenty, of peace, of health and not a care in the world.  They have no sin, give to the poor, clothe the naked, heal the sick  and visit the imprisoned. 

Can we admit that the fictional world outlined above is just that -fiction?  I can.  I can tell you that because I have struggled enough to know there is not a perfect world.  I know that I, like all of you, face challenges.  My specific challenges may and likely do differ from yours, but we share the common bond of facing difficulties in this life.  It may be addiction for some, financial burdens for others.  There may be family discord or any number of concerns going on. 

Can we say that these things come with us when we enter the church? As Christians we have faith in God's provision and His mercy.  We pray earnestly and sometimes those wishes come to pass.  This builds our confidence and we pray all the more expecting the same "positive" results.  Can we also admit that this does not always go to plan though?  This is where I struggle.  I've admitted it, I do struggle, which is a nice way to say that sometimes I doubt.  I doubt that the prayer I've sent up will be answered in the way I desire.  What I'm not sure of is whether this is truly a lack of faith?

I can also tell you that my fears have led to anger rather than prayer.  Fear and anxiety have gotten the better of me, as recently as yesterday.  I'm not proud of this at all, but it happened.  I need to ask Him for forgiveness, and I have. 

With all that goes on in our lives, and some of it not so good, why do we nearly always see a brood of smiling faces in the crowd on Sunday?  Rarely do I see someone that looks dejected or sad.  Perhaps that's a good sign, that the worldly troubles disappear the moment we enter the doors of the sanctuary.  Though I can't help but wonder if there are some hidden emotions that just want the hour to pass without a breakdown.  We say we want to help each other and be community to one another, but how can we when our masks hide the emotions that we hold so close.

I think we fear that once the church knows our problems we won't be welcome.  That if someone knows we have doubts we'll be labeled as unfaithful, that if we have other life problems we'll just be labeled a sinner. Surely the "church" won't accept us then... will they?

I think there are seasons in life that come and go.  Times of trouble and times of success.  Times when we doubt and times when we fervently believe.  This, I believe, is a natural struggle.  In other words, it's okay to doubt for a time.  It's okay to fear for a time.  Hopefully these times are of short duration, and I know there are ways to minimize the span.

It goes back to taking a step forward, breathing, and either giving God a chance to work, or to remember when he did so in the past.  If you have a memory of grace and forgiveness, a memory of a miracle however you may define it, go back to that memory and cherish it.  Relive it and know that there is every reason to believe God will do a similar work again.

I know how to give God the "stiff arm" and keep him at a distance.  I know how to be angry and not allow him to help me.  I've done it.  I can also tell you that it doesn't help the anger and it doesn't help the pain.

I don't have all the answers, in fact I have very few.  I do believe though, that until we can admit we struggle, that we have our moments of doubt and fear, that we'll never be truly able to help one another.  The trouble is, who's willing to take the first step and say I struggle.

Well, I guess, in this instance... It is I Lord.

Just Another Day

So, right off the bat, the title is sarcasm.  It was in a way just another day, but in the way of just another day out of the office to take care of my health.  Well, in truth, I did get three hours in the office before running off to Richmond.

The Good: I got to Richmond with no problem, parked and arrived at the 7th floor of the Gateway Building and Transplant Clinic  with no issues.

More Goodness:  I saw my first Osprey on the way atop the nest near the junction of Rt.4 and Rt 5 on the way out of town.

More Goodness:  The blood draw went fine and the kidney numbers, bilirubin and white counts were improved.

The Bad (you knew it was coming): Hemoglobin was down a bit. 

Neutral:  Need to wait on results that I really need ; to see where my CMV lies.  The plan right now is to start taking Valcyte and reevaluate once the new results are in (hopefully on Friday.)

The Good:  Saw my second Osprey of the season while crossing the Rappahanock River.

Better:  The Osprey was in a dog-fight with a Bald Eagle.  The eagle clearly had the advantage with a higher altitude position. Since I was driving, I don't know how it ended.

The Good:  The Valcyte prescription was sent to the correct pharmacy

The Bad: The insurance put it on 'hold' for a pre-authorization.

The Really Bad: I lost it, and mutter an explicative (to myself) on the way out of the store to have a chat with my insurance company.

The Good: I maintained a civil language with the insurance people.  Notice the plural. I need to get to the second tier to get some help.

The Really Good: My coordinator was still in the clinic and was able to get the prescription approved.

The Worst:  The cost of the med - you simply don't want to know.  It's a truly and utterly disgusting number.

The Good:  Being blessed enough to be able to pay for the disgustingly high cost med.

The Good: I have the med that hopefully gets me back in working order.  I'm right on the border line of needing IV meds. 

The Best: God is still in control.

The Bad:  I don't always feel that way

The Good:  I know based on past experience that God is good, even if I don't always feel that way.

Better:  Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning .

The Hawk and Mouse, Eagle and Swans

I took a few hours this sunny afternoon and went wandering along the beach of the Patuxent River.  It's one of my favorite places to walk, beach comb and take photos.  Today was a little different in that I took an empty Target bad and a pair of disposable gloves.  Why you may ask?

The beach is inevitably littered, and I usually walk on by.  Just like most everyone else.  Today I made a small dent in clearing the beach.  I didn't take the time to photograph my finds, but perhaps I will the next time around.  The discoveries were both unusual, common, expected and unanticipated. The typical included many bottle caps in a variety of colors, most from either water or soda bottles.  There was larger one as well like you might find on a large OJ bottle.  Speaking of bottles, I was surprised to only find a few.  There were several foam containers a couple for coffee and one for holding a hotdog.  Three lost balloons with their short sections of colorful ribbon were among the finds.  Of course many wrappers and snack sized bags - UTZ and Roll Gold.  There were quite a few small pieces of foam, a rag like you might have to dry off your car (micro fiber), and the plastic brim of a base ball cap (the cloth covering was gone.)  Oh, and I almost forgot the three spent shotgun shells.  I was only on the beach maybe 30 minutes and filled the Target bag to overflowing.  I thought I would feel good about it all, but for the most part it was just sad.

Tundra Swans - "Why are you all trying to hide from me?"

From the beach I went around the corner to Goose Creek and watched the Tundra Swans and couple Bufflehead sea ducks.  I sat on the sand for quite a while trying to get a few photos and just taking in the scene.  It was just beautiful sitting there in the nice breeze, 56F and sunny.  All of a sudden I noticed a larger bird fly by.  It was a Bald Eagle, it flew around a bit, and then came to rest on a tree probably 400 yards away.  He stayed there for just a little while and took to the air and parts unknown.  I'm always thrilled to see the Bald Eagles even though the sightings are no longer as rare as just a few years ago.  I eventually felt it was time to go and started the drive home.

The best find came next.  A hawk was perched on a power line looking down on a grassy area.  I couldn't stop in time to watch, so I went up a short distance and turned around.  I rolled down the passenger window to watch.  No sooner had I done that and he dove for the ground, wings folded and in attack mode.  I waited and watched and caught him while flying up.  The photo wasn't great, but with some post processing adjustments I think it shows a mouse being held in his claw!  I was fairly certain he had something!  He landed in one tree and then moved to another.  Again I moved the car and this time the sun was shining on him rather than being behind.  Now I had a chance to get a decent shot.  And I was fortunate this time.  Based on a little research, it turns out he's a Red Shouldered Hawk.  So gorgeous.

That really made the day, but to add to the sights, there was a Little Blue Heron wading in a water -run off catch basin just a quarter mile further up the road.  No real good shots of him either since there were quite a few branches along the water front.

An excellent afternoon, filled with such a great array of wildlife.  I was so blessed by it all.  Feeling very lucky to witness it unfold.

Look close, mouse in talon!

Red Shouldered Hawk

The Search

Fence posts rounded off to protect the innocent?

As I drove out of the driveway, the words, the question of my wife came back to my mind. 

"Where are you? I feel like you're not talking to me"

My answer to that also came back. "I'm not trying to not talk to you."  The rather nonsensical answer was not flippant, but rather the outpouring of a stumbling mind.  My mind was spinning, trying to wrestle with the truest of answers.  Honestly,  I'm not sure where I am.  I mean in terms of place in this life, in this world.

I did know I had to try find... something.  Wow, what?  Another open ended search?  Yet there it was-  the naked truth. The search needed to be defined and that definition felt so far away.

The drive out of the neighborhood and north on the central artery out of town had not shown any light on this cold gray day.  The restaurants, fast food joints, car dealers and shopping centers were certainly not what I was seeking -today anyway.  The drive over the tall slender bridge to Solomon's Island brought a little hope.  For the first time this year, I saw a few sailboats dancing on the water.  Spring surely must be around the corner, even if it was only 37 F right now.

 I parked and brought the camera to bear on my first subjects.  There were two sailboats returning to their piers.  One had its sails down already and was quickly motoring home.  You could sense the cold had been enough and it was time to get warm.  There were some small water birds, with their black and white coats looking nice and formal, yet they played like clowns.  They chased each other around; they stretched their wings and would dive every now and then.  They didn't seem to have a care in the world.  Maybe that's what this whole scene portrayed.  It was a scene so contrary to that which is the normal day to day experience.  There are too many worries aren't there?

 

 I switched lenses and went for a stroll to see what the world would unveil.

The fishing charter fleet stood either empty or forlorn in the cold, but there was still a captivating sign on the dock.  "Do Not Feed the Birds.. What goes up MUST come DOWN."  My emphasis on the words, but the point was certainly clear.  I'm doubtful that the sign is always adhered too, since the gulls were circling rather closely.   I guess it's about perspective.  One person can feed the birds thinking they're doing a good thing.  However, the boat captain has better things to do than clean a bunch of bird poop off the bow.  Is that where the poop deck is?

 

Artistic Hydrant

As I walked the tension of winter and spring became all the more apparent.  The boats in the yard standing watch of the water while bound to the earth on their stands seemed anxious to get on with things.  An open companionway on one and the tell tale sound of sanding has to mean spring is around the corner.  Even the stack of skiffs and the plastic wrapped boat on its lift still show the tension of getting through the winter yet waiting for the next season.  Maybe that's what this search is about.  I feel like there's something new coming.  And in some sense I hope that's true.  I have to admit to feeling stuck between the struggles of chronic health concerns and the hope for a cure or at least a little more relief.  Then again, I'm not certain that's what this search is about either.

 Crocus

The signs of spring continued as I walked.  The spring flowers are on display if you look closely.  The "Johnny Jump ups" (at least that's what I call them) were out.  The contrasting purples, yellows and black petals warmed up the cloudy day.  The daffodils where either just coming up or were in full bloom depending on location.  Those closest to a warm house and full southwestern exposure led the way with full shoots and blooms, while those left out in smaller beds were still shaking off the cold.  There was another plant in bloom and someone will have to help me here.  It was a fairly big bush with red flowers that had multiple layers like a rose.  They were more disk-like though.

There was a gull just a few feet away as I waited to get a good shot of the lone sailboat on the Patuxent.  He was very comfortable with me and went about his preening while I stood by.  Then all of a sudden he was crying away and I realized there was another gull soaring by over twenty feet way.   Rather funny in a way, that I could stand so close and was not a threat, yet the other gull was annoying him greatly.  I wonder, why would I not be a threat?  I could have been yet there was no perception on the gull's part.  It makes me wonder if my own perceptions are as misguided.

My walk came to an end with cold hands and a warm heart.  I did find some things:  The signs of spring coming around the corner even on this cold day, a funny sign which led to wondering about perspective, some art work, and just a plain nice walk around part of the island.  Perhaps you could also say that there was a sense of hope; that the cold and gray would fade away to a new world of new buds, followed by colorful blooms.  I'll continue to search, and hope to identify what my longing is really about.

For now, I'm going to be content in the journey, and continue to look for .. the thing.

Blessings,

Brian

Soul Searching

I'm overdue for some soul searching, and maybe for just admitting to my doubts and fears.

Most of you know by now that I have chronic health issues.  They're not completely debilitating but rather inconvenient.  The most notable issues are my anemia and my colitis.  The anemia is moderately well controlled, but I need transfusions every now and then.  Most often this is an outpatient procedure by takes me out of the office usually for a day and a half.  The first day I find I need blood, and then get "Typed and Crossed."  The next day I get two units of red cells. 

The colitis is annoying, but so far not completely out of control.  My fear is that at some point it may lead to needing the colon to be removed - which may mean having a bag of Crap at my side.  There is an operation that may preclude that but the docs are mixed as to whether that would work in my case.

So, here's the soul searching part.  

I would like to tell you that I believe in Prayer!  But I'm struggling.  I have prayed for healing.  I know others have prayed on my behalf for healing.  Further, I believe I've already been the recipient of prayer that has worked miracles in my life.  In my opinion the whole transplant process can't be just science.  I've also come through a very intense emergency surgery after having severe internal bleeding.  Yet, I'm struggling.

I'm struggling because this chronic condition has been going on for years now.  I read the Bible and the stories of healing usually come down to faith.  It may be the faith of the Centurion who asks Jesus to heal someone else from a distance.  It may be the faith of the Disciples to heal someone in need.  It may be attributed to the faith of the one who is ill as in the woman who had bled for 12 years.  I struggle because of the conclusions I'm reaching.

I have thus far concluded that either, 1) I don't have enough faith or 2) there is no one that has prayed for me that has enough faith.  I can add a third perhaps, 3) this is not YET the time for my healing (as the lady who waited for 12 years.)  Yet there's one more reason struggle.

In the story of Job, Job is spared while all is taken away from him - including his wife and children.  Job is afflicted with a dreadful skin disease as well.  All of this torment by Satan is allowed by God to test Job's faithfulness.  I have usually likened myself with Job, but perhaps that's my error.

What if I'm modeled after Job's children?  What was their failing that they were killed in this test of Job?  Is it simply that that was their role?  If so, then what if my role is really about bearing with the chronic illness as part of someone else's test?  Friends, please don't let my struggle dissuade you from honoring God.  I have been blessed beyond measure, and it's time that my focus and attitude is on the blessings in my life so much more than the struggles that I face.  Life is good and it's time I recognize that more deeply than I have in the recent past.

I have come to this conclusion in witnessing others' perils.  I have seen multiple congregations pray for the healing of a sick child.  It has worked miracles at times, and there are times it hasn't.  Cancer has been cured, and cancer has taken a life. The same faithful people have prayed earnestly in all cases, but from our view point there hasn't always been the 'success' or outcome that we would want.  I have other firsthand knowledge of prayers and miracles.  Two different people with untreatable cancer with no treatments later went back to find complete healing.  I can't deny that prayer works.

I guess I have to admit that I'm a product of the "I want it now" mentality.  NOW. NOW. NOW (You Star Trek fans will hopefully get the reference.)  Patience is a virtue that I'm still working on.  I don't ask the "why me" question, as I see no purpose to it.  Just deal.  Though in my dealing I have gone through and back to anger and depression to a degree.  And lately it weakened my faith to the point where I don't always believe the healing I would like will ever come.  Forgive me Lord.

I think the path that I see now, is to recognize the blessings and move on a day at a time.  CONTINUE to pray, even if my faith is weakened, for as the Good Book says... Even the faith of the mustard seed can make a mountain move.  And my healing may yet come.

God Bless you all,

Brian