I'm overdue for some soul searching, and maybe for just
admitting to my doubts and fears.
Most of you know by now that I have chronic health
issues. They're not completely
debilitating but rather inconvenient.
The most notable issues are my anemia and my colitis. The anemia is moderately well controlled, but
I need transfusions every now and then.
Most often this is an outpatient procedure by takes me out of the office
usually for a day and a half. The first
day I find I need blood, and then get "Typed and Crossed." The next day I get two units of red cells.
The colitis is annoying, but so far not completely out of
control. My fear is that at some point
it may lead to needing the colon to be removed - which may mean having a bag of
Crap at my side. There is an operation
that may preclude that but the docs are mixed as to whether that would work in
my case.
So, here's the soul searching part.
I would like to tell you that I believe in Prayer! But I'm struggling. I have prayed for healing. I know others have prayed on my behalf for
healing. Further, I believe I've already
been the recipient of prayer that has worked miracles in my life. In my opinion the whole transplant process
can't be just science. I've also come
through a very intense emergency surgery after having severe internal
bleeding. Yet, I'm struggling.
I'm struggling because this chronic condition has been going
on for years now. I read the Bible and
the stories of healing usually come down to faith. It may be the faith of the Centurion who asks
Jesus to heal someone else from a distance.
It may be the faith of the Disciples to heal someone in need. It may be attributed to the faith of the one
who is ill as in the woman who had bled for 12 years. I struggle because of the conclusions I'm
reaching.
I have thus far concluded that either, 1) I don't have
enough faith or 2) there is no one that has prayed for me that has enough
faith. I can add a third perhaps, 3)
this is not YET the time for my healing (as the lady who waited for 12
years.) Yet there's one more reason
struggle.
In the story of Job, Job is spared while all is taken away
from him - including his wife and children.
Job is afflicted with a dreadful skin disease as well. All of this torment by Satan is allowed by
God to test Job's faithfulness. I have
usually likened myself with Job, but perhaps that's my error.
What if I'm modeled after Job's children? What was their failing that they were killed
in this test of Job? Is it simply that
that was their role? If so, then what if
my role is really about bearing with the chronic illness as part of someone
else's test? Friends, please don't let
my struggle dissuade you from honoring God.
I have been blessed beyond measure, and it's time that my focus and
attitude is on the blessings in my life so much more than the struggles that I
face. Life is good and it's time I
recognize that more deeply than I have in the recent past.
I have come to this conclusion in witnessing others'
perils. I have seen multiple congregations
pray for the healing of a sick child. It
has worked miracles at times, and there are times it hasn't. Cancer has been cured, and cancer has taken a
life. The same faithful people have prayed earnestly in all cases, but from our
view point there hasn't always been the 'success' or outcome that we would
want. I have other firsthand knowledge
of prayers and miracles. Two different
people with untreatable cancer with no treatments later went back to find
complete healing. I can't deny that
prayer works.
I guess I have to admit that I'm a product of the "I
want it now" mentality. NOW. NOW.
NOW (You Star Trek fans will hopefully get the reference.) Patience is a virtue that I'm still working
on. I don't ask the "why me"
question, as I see no purpose to it.
Just deal. Though in my dealing I
have gone through and back to anger and depression to a degree. And lately it weakened my faith to the point
where I don't always believe the healing I would like will ever come. Forgive me Lord.
I think the path that I see now, is to recognize the
blessings and move on a day at a time.
CONTINUE to pray, even if my faith is weakened, for as the Good Book
says... Even the faith of the mustard seed can make a mountain move. And my healing may yet come.
God Bless you all,
Brian
It's really tough with chronic things. I know my friend K - whose small group I have attended - has chronic conditions as well. She has had multiple surgeries and every time she thinks "THIS will be the answer" - and sometimes they help a bit, but she is always left with this chronic pain. She is, perhaps, the most faithful woman I have ever known. Her prayers are POWERFUL. When she prays, things HAPPEN. But with this thing, the thing afflicting HER... nothing. I wish I knew why. There are so many things about God I just don't know. I have always liked reading Job. I guess that makes me weird. I hate the part where he loses his children. It hurts me SO much. I can't imagine being Job and knowing all his children are dead. And then, at the end of the story, it says that he had more children sort of to replace those children and that was okay with him. In this culture, that seems entirely too cruel - what is the point of "replacing" a child? But at that time, children were sort of like possessions, right? You had more kids to work your fields and till your land and carry on your name. I don't know how people really felt about their children - I'm not sure that the people reading Job's story in ancient times would see those children as individuals with their own destinies. Right or wrong. I know that the Hebrews see themselves as "a people" rather than as "a person" in general. I don't know if that makes it any better - like I said, I struggle with it a LOT. All of Job - that God would give a crap what Satan says about anyone... He knows Satan isn't going to learn anything - so what's the POINT? Does God still hope that Satan will change? I just don't know. I talked to Stan about it once and he said that he doesn't know the answers, but he does know that Job is the oldest book in the Bible, so it's been around awhile. I don't even know how this necessarily relates to your situation, maybe I just unpacked this for me, but regardless, I see God as personified in Jesus, who DID heal the sick. Who DID see the individual, who DID LOVE and teach others to love. I hate that we may never understand things about our lives until we are finished with them. I keep praying for your complete healing, Brian, and I believe it will come.
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