Heavy-hearted

The ugliness of the world continually reveals itself. The headlines of the hour, the day, the minute intrude into our lives on a routine and regular basis. The headlines thrive on the depravity of the world, in a seemingly endless supply of try to top this level of horror.

Humans are capable of the most egregious of actions. All of us cross lines of decency to various degrees. There are none among us that are without fault. We all have our flaws, and our failure whether we admit to them or not.

My heart aches tonight. There are many reasons ranging from world wide terrorism, to dysfunctional families. I cannot throne stones from this glass house of mine without indicting myself - trust me I'm no saint. There's a part of me that say's "we're only human" in the sense of foreboding and fear. Yet in the next I say "we ARE human" and have incredibly capacity to overcome.

I took just a few minutes to jot down the following. I had one song on my mind while thinking about this, and as often happens, one thing (song) leads to another. So here are the flow of words that came to me:

We’re only human,

Sadly so many times,

Brokenness begets brokenness

Families torn

Friends worn

Yet there is strength,

Ashen remains,

The Phoenix arises

Human capacity,

Unbounded

Mountain tops

Valley

Desert

Oasis

We trod them all

Ups and downs

We’re only human

Happily so many times,

Love begets love

Families shorn

Friends steadfast

(I hope you'll take the time to play the song - click on the titles)

You may have guessed that Christina Perri's "Human" was playing. To me it speaks of strength despite extraordinary burdens.  Her song "Distance" talks to the fear of revealing herself to another - wanting to pretend there isn't love, to hide and keep a distance. Finally her song "Arms" came up,  doubts are overcome with the strongest power there is - Love.  

While heavy-hearted, I have an optimistic view. The crap of the world and the strife we cause each other and/or ourselves will not conquer us. We will grieve the unbearable burdens of this life. We will be challenge till we fall. Yet we can lift each other up. We can support each other. We can cry with each other and celebrate with each other. Love will prevail.

Blessings,

Brian

Flags, Blood, Humanity

I've had mixed emotions regarding the Syrian Refugee crisis. Fear of extremist surfaced while seeing the horrific news of the Paris attacks. 9/11 was not that long ago, and I can remember being in a hospital recovering from emergency surgery in Georgetown on that day. Smoke from Pentagon could be seen from the roof of my hospital. It's clear a relatively small number of extremists can cause great destruction. The refugees though, not so much, unless you believe the extremist to be among them, and further that the officials regulating who comes into our country will not find them out.

Since reading more about the process by which refugees arrive in the US I've grown less concerned. The process is arduous and random. Refugees do not pick their destinations, which alone would make it a poor choice for someone intending to get here.

I've been thinking of the history of my family. My heritage leads back to Europe; I'm a mutt made up of English, Welsh, German and Dutch lineages as best I can tell. While not knowing the specific stories of why they immigrated here, it would seem reasonable to believe that in some way they had hoped for a better life for themselves and their families. Unless you are a few percent of our population that can claim Native American Indian heritage you too are the offspring of immigrants. My ancestors and likely yours as well joined in the adventure we now call (used to call?) the American Dream. The Dream was rather simple really. It was to seek a better life, where prosperity while not at all guaranteed was within the realm of the possible. The new America was seen as a place where hard work and diligence would be rewarded with a solid roof over your head and food on your plate.

This Dream remained, and I would say still remains for a great many today. Many immigrants from Europe arrived to Ellis Island in the New York Bay. The Statue of Liberty, a gift from France, welcomed  many a stranger to our shores. While Ellis Island is now defunct, the Statue still bears her flame beckoning those that need a home, or dare I say.. a refuge.

The world has become a smaller place now though, and the realities of acts of terror reach into our homes nearly instantly as cameras broadcast at near the speed of light. We are all too aware of the danger lurking in this dark world. It's natural to be cautious of those we don't know and don't understand - those different from ourselves. This has been the human condition for as long as man has compared himself to another. We separate ourselves into groups that are most like ourselves. It's a comfortable collective that way. In our own gangs our ideas are generally the same and accepted, we are accepted and we don't have to defend what we believe to each other. The world outside our insulated cohorts is contrasted strongly with different looks, ideas and beliefs. We venture out only to have to defend concepts and understandings. We find we all don't agree with each other.

Further, we have self-created boundaries and at some point a leader places a flag over the territory. The island then governs itself as deemed fit. The adjoining islands of nation states do likewise. That is until resources and greed intermingle. Throw in differing ideals and conflicts arise to become wars, holy and otherwise. Civilians are caught in this struggle. It's my belief that most people are victims in these conflicts. Most people I know simply want to live peacefully, raise families and enjoy their friends. Refugees fleeing desolate battlefields and roaming extremists .. which is any armed force with which you disagree simply want food and shelter, and medical care. They want peace, just like us.

Tonight I sat down to paint. The chaos of my life recently left me not wanting to paint. So tonight was to be a warm up of sorts. I didn't have much on my mind, but the thoughts above came out.
A quick sketch and sloppy, loose painting created this image. You may not recognize Ellis Island, and the Eiffel isn't particularly very good, but I like it. The USA is supposed to be the bright light, the North Star if you will. It seems the latest events have brought Syria, the US and France together in some twist of fate. The Syrian flags have green, black and white with stars in either green or red depending which side the proverbial political isle you belong. France, like the US flies red, white and blue.  I haven't gotten in the habit of titling my works, but here's a first.  I'm calling this "Flags, Blood and Humanity"

My prayer tonight is for peace and love. Guess I should be in a beauty pageant. (Hope you get the reference.)

Blessings,
Brian

New battle lines

I sit here in my comfortable home watching as the latest war, one of passionate rhetoric and opining unfolds. The battle field of public opinion wages on in all the media, and perhaps most hotly on FaceBook. This week’s battles are concentrated on the Syrian Refugee Crisis with the cast of politicians taking the brunt of this war of written words, cartoons and images. Sadly though, we the population follow in the politicians' footsteps with our callous disregard for upholding the dignity of each other.

The opinions seem generally equally divided and equally spiteful between those for bringing refugees to the US and those against it. It’s not the differences that bother me and it’s not the passionate pleas to be heard in the sea of sarcasm. It’s the sarcasm, the belittling, the smugness and self-righteousness that bothers me.

There doesn’t seem to be an area of middle ground for true discourse and evaluation. Those against the relocation are anti-Christian, fear mongers. Those for the relocation are naive socialists that think funding grows on trees. We quote the Bible and financial statistics. We make analogies which point to one side or another. We pick our ‘source’ of information and believe no other source is reliable. You are likely to be considered either heartless or a willing accomplice to the guaranteed destruction of this country.

For my part, I’ve been firmly on the fence. The war is tiring, and a respite from FB may be needed for my own sanity. It doesn’t mean I’m putting my head in the sand and ignoring the issues. Largely though, I feel this war is already been lost. We are ALL losing. We’re losing our respect for each other, and that lack of respect is dividing the nation. Somewhere along the way society has decided that if you disagree with an approach to a difficult issue then you’re either stupid or intentionally bent on a malicious end.  Is that really the case? NO. I contend that the USA is still a pretty great country. I also believe most of our populous agrees with that statement. Further, and I know not all will agree with this, I believe most of the population sincerely want this nation to continue to be a shining light in the world. Despite my beliefs, it’s clear that vast numbers of folks believe “democrats” to be the ill of our Republic, and equally vast numbers view “republicans” in the same lens. Then you can add in the assessments of any particular discriminator for more divisiveness.  For example, what’s your view on Muslims in a general sense? What’s your take on military intervention, and which sides (yes plural) do you support? Racism, sexism.. all further divide us. The list goes on and on.

There are valid concerns to be addressed in this Syrian Refugee crisis. How does the world respond to those caught in the crossfire? How does a large number of refugees get assimilated into our nation? What are the financial costs? How does this crisis compare and contrast to other problems within our borders… veterans conditions, homeless, uninsured, underinsured, unemployment, etc, etc? How is security considered? 

All of these concerns are valid and necessary topics of discussion, debate and resolution. I’m not sure that everyone’s concerns will be addressed to everyone’s satisfaction. Many want a completely safe society. Many want to bring all to our shores because it’s the humanitarian thing to do.

There is risk, cost and compassion battling at my soul to find some happy answer, yet that answer eludes me. That answer eludes the world.  It would be hard to show compassion if there are no resources to provide. It would be inhumane to ignore the pleading of a multitude of desperate people. It would be naïve to believe there is no risk in future terror attacks.

My prayer is that there be some middle ground SOUGHT by all, in a respectful dialogue.  I believe it possible to find that ground. A ground that is supportable and compassionate with a minimum of increased risk to our health and safety. If we worked as hard to find that ground as we do to belittle ‘the other side’ we’d be done in a heartbeat.

I hope you might join me in seeking this middle ground...  Please.. for our sake as well as that of the world.

Time after time

The day after this Thanksgiving marks a milestone. It will be the 10 year anniversary of my liver transplant. Made-made milestones are funny things. There is nothing inherently special about a particular day, save that we intentionally give it some undeserved significance. So it is with a decade of transplant living.

I’ve tried over the last month to write something meaningful, and I failed each and every time to capture the essence of these past 10 years.  My intent was to reflect on life in my post-transplant world - hoping to understand, in retrospect, a decade of a ‘new normal.’ It seems too, that the harder I work at understanding, the further I am from the goal, but here I am having another go.

My first attempt failed by providing too much of the ‘back story.’ I thought that you may need to know the medical history leading up to the transplant. The back story was starting to turn into a novel, and it wasn’t a fun read. My other few attempts ended in lost and meandering thoughts, and I fear this will be the outcome of this attempt as well.

In trying to distill down the lessons learned, I think for me it comes down to this: Life is unpredictable, so make the best of what you have. 

Time brings change, for better and worse. I know that the good times need to be shared and celebrated. I know the bad times are more bearable with good shoulder to cry on. My attitude towards my plight and struggles fluctuates, and while I know that having a good attitude is helpful I don’t always manage that. I believe there is something to be thankful for in nearly every occasion – if you look deep and hard enough. I believe there is beauty in the world that we easily overlook.  Being kind and generous is vital, challenging, and often brings some sacrifice.   I believe love is something that you do as much or more than something you feel, and we’re nothing without it.

With those thoughts in mind, I think of the many different people that have been such a blessing at different times over these past 10 years. People are the center of those thoughts actually. There are too many names and faces running through my brain to mention them all right here, but they range from Deb and family to close friends, past and present, acquaintances and all the medical professionals that have provided care and counsel. Life wouldn’t have much meaning without relationships and I’m grateful for the many that have been a part of my life. This includes the inseparable bond that I will always have with the donor and his family. I pray they take solace in the immeasurable gift they have given to many while they continue to grieve.

I sometimes, not often, wonder just how long this body of mine will hold out. So as I look ahead to the next decade I hope I remember to live out this life with grace, kindness and love. I pray that the struggles will be few, and that friends will be abundant and steadfast. I long to see and reveal the beauty of this world through photography and art, and the occasional blog/essay.

The song “Time After Time” was playing in the background as I first jotted this note. The TV series “Defiance” has a great cover of the song done by Raya Scarborough, and I had downloaded it. In the episode it plays as one of the main characters is wounded and lost in the woods. You see her adopted father searching for her… “If you fall I will catch you, I’ll be waiting.  Time after time.” I hope we all have that special someone that will always be there. I know I do in my gorgeous wife. Too, many of you have filled that role of catching me, and I hope I may likewise in return be there for you, and especially for Deb.

If I can find the diligence, compassion and strength to act out those previous two paragraphs, it’ll be another great 10 years.

My self-created milestone is truthfully just another day as I pointed out in the outset. There's nothing that prevents any of us from declaring a particular day something special. In fact, every day ought to be special, for our participation in it is never guaranteed. That thought was made, yet again, clear to me today, as I participated in a Celebration of Life Service at our church. That is largely what I chose to post this today, vice waiting till the 27th. So, my question for all of you; how has you past decade been, what will you be looking for and acting on in your next one?

Love you all,

Brian