Bill and Pam Farrel

Another session we attended at the conference was on Conflict Resolution.  It was taught by the husband and wife team of Bill and Pam Farrel who have several good books on marriage.  As you might guess their focus was on marital conflict.  

There were some good take-aways from their session.  One was on how to prevent a needed discussion from escalating, and others described forgiveness and reconciliation. First, as you would expect, they did describe the typical differences in men and women that lead to conflict.  Men tend to bury issues, while women tend to confront issues.  The problem is that as their book title says; “Men are like Waffles and Women are like Spaghetti.”  Men compartmentalize and women make connections that men can barely fathom.

So, the result is that as women confront the problem they sound an alarm.  This is often a “test bomb”, and may not really get to the core issue.  If the man can wade through all the spaghetti (connections) with her, they can get to the root cause.  This is hard!  It’s hard for both.   Men want to put “the” issue in a box and solve it.  Meanwhile the woman is moving on to make all the connections.   So, the man is trying to fix the first bomb, but the woman is still trying to capture the entirety of the situation, believing that the man is just dense and not caring.  Simply put, men and women are wired differently.  By the way, they mentioned that studies show men take crisis stress more deeply than women but don’t tend to show it.  This is a heart attack waiting to happen.  

We need each other, and we need to work through all of these waffles and pasta together. The potential solution that they offered up is a Conflict Covenant.   Just as it sounds, the covenant specifies some ground rules for handling conflict before it gets out of hand.  We haven’t tried to construct one yet, but it sounds like a great idea.  

They actually suggested that conflicts be scheduled.   So an argument is starting, you take a time out, and set an appointment on the calendar to talk to that particular issue.  This gives time, especially for the men, to collect thoughts and to try to take the emotion out of things.  They said the thing that calms the conflict most is a decision.  Once you can decide to take action you have a plan you both can work to.  

They also spoke to forgiveness.  First forgiveness is NOT: just letting it go; saying it’s okay; Denial; Forgetting; Reconciliation.  Forgiveness is a decision you make to pardon the offense of another with God.  Reconciliation is the decision to restore the broken relationship.

Bill and Pam followed how Joseph  (of Genesis) forgives his brothers for selling him and then how they reach reconciliation.  The forgiveness needs to be specific; I forgive ___(who)____ for____(specific  offense)__  .  Second, you admit that what happened was wrong. Third, do not expect the person to make it up to you.  Fourth, do not allow what has happened to make you a victim.  Fifth, do not use the offense to manipulate the person who committed the offense. And lastly, do not allow it to stop your personal growth.  They did a nice job of walking through each of these steps reading about Joseph. If you want to try it for yourself, the story  runs from chapter 37 to 50 in Genesis.

So far I would say Bill and Pam's book is worth a read.  They keep things pretty light and straight forward, and if it helps just a little it will be well worth the time for any married folks as well as those getting engaged.

Blessings,

Brian